Vulnerability
A few weeks ago my business coach sends me an unassuming text message…“I have something to offer you that I recently did as part of a program I’m in that I think you’ll find fascinating. It’s an assessment (quick and easy) that highlights the voices in your head that generate negative emotions in the way you handle life’s everyday challenges. They represent automated patterns in your mind for how to think, feel, and respond. They cause all of your stress, anxiety, self-doubt, unhappiness. They sabotage your performance, wellbeing, and relationships.”
I respond, “Ohhhhhhhh sounds interesting.”
I take the test.
A few minutes later I sent her a response: “I mean, this is pretty accurate.”
Before I get to my results, and why they are accurate. As I was reading through everything what came to mind is how sad it all made me feel. Like, it really made me emotional.
Probably because it took me back…and then all the feelings, they came right along:
I scored high 6.3
Controller
Anxiety-based need to take charge and control situations and people’s actions to one’s own will. High anxiety and impatience when that is not possible.
Characteristics
Strong energy and need to control and take charge.
Connect with others through competition, challenge, physicality, or conflict rather than softer emotions.
Willful, confrontational, straight talker.
Push people beyond comfort zone.
Comes alive when doing the impossible and beating the odds.
Stimulated by and connects through conflict.
Surprised that others get hurt.
Intimidate others.
In-your-face communication interpreted by others as anger or criticism.
Thoughts
You are either in control or out of control.
If I work hard enough I can and should control the situation so it goes my way.
Others want and need me to take control.
You are doing them a favor.
No one tells me what to do.
Feelings
High anxiety when things are not going my way.
Angry and intimidating when others don’t follow.
Impatient with other’s feelings and different styles
Does feel hurt and rejected, although rarely admit to it.
Justification Lies
Without the Controller, you can’t get much done.
You need to push people.
If I don’t control, I will be controlled, and I can’t live with that.
I am trying to get the job done for all our sakes.
Impact on Self and Others
The Controller does get temporary results but at the cost of others feeling controlled and resentful and not able to tap into their own greater reserves.
Controller also generates a great deal of anxiety as many things in work and life are ultimately not controllable.
Original Survival Function
Underneath the bravado of the Controller there is often a hidden fear of being controlled by others or life. Controller is sometimes associated with early life experiences where the child is forced to grow up fast, be on its own, and take charge of its chaotic or dangerous surroundings in order to survive physically and/or emotionally. It is also associated with being hurt, rejected, or betrayed and deciding to never be that vulnerable again.
I read through this and wow it just all resonated with me, more so the Original Survival Function. That got to me.
Processing everything, I said to my business coach, it can’t all be that bad. I am who I am as a result of what I went through.
You can’t be in operations and not be somewhat controlling. Like that’s what operations is! I was hired for a lot of these character traits…
Yes….BUT…that doesn’t take away what I was feeling after reading through everything. It was revealing.
My lowest score…Restless 0.6
Restless, constantly in search of greater excitement in the next activity or constant busyness. Rarely at peace or content with the current activity.
Characteristics
Easily distracted and can get too scattered.
Stays busy, juggling many different tasks and plans.
Seeks excitement and variety not comfort or safety.
Bounces (escapes) from unpleasant feelings very quickly.
Seeks constant new stimulation.
Thoughts
This isn’t fulfilling.
This next thing has got to be more exciting.
These negative feelings suck.
I must shift my attention to something exciting.
Why can’t anyone keep up with me?
Feelings
Impatience with what is happening now.
Wondering what is next.
Fear of missing out on other more worthwhile experiences.
Restless and wanting more and more options.
Worried that focus on any unpleasant feeling will grow and become overwhelming.
Justification Lies
Life is too short.
It must be lived fully.
I don’t want to miss out.
Impact on Self and Others
Underneath the surface of fun and excitement of the Restless is an anxiety based escape from being present to this moment’s full experience, which might include dealing with unpleasant things.
The Restless avoids a real and lasting focus on the issues and relationships that truly matter.
Others have a difficult time keeping up with the frenzy and chaos brought by the Restless and unable to build anything sustainable around it.
Original Survival Function
The Restless is a strategy to find constant new sources of excitement, pleasure, and self-nurturing. This could be associated with early life experiences with inadequate parental nurturing or painful circumstances. Restless indulgence not only provided substitute selfnurturing, but also an escape from having to deal with anxiety and pain.
Probably explains why I can sit of my sofa for hours on end and not be concerned or worried…I don’t have FOMO and quite frankly am very at peace doing whatever it is that I am doing or not doing.
Seeing my low score gave me a sense of satisfaction. Everything in between…Not so much.
I am sure my business coach and I will dissect the rest of my results at another time, but what struck me was how a simple test managed to break me down so quickly.
My business coach said to me in another message: “Imagine if your team all had an understanding of each other’s saboteurs…how that might enhance relationships/communication with each other.”
She isn’t wrong…In my head though, I was thinking, imagine if everyone in my life understood my saboteurs- maybe my interpersonal and work relationships would be that much better!
Imagine that!
I love my business coach by the way…I don’t mention her a lot, I will…but she’s been an immense asset in my growth in business and in life.
For now though, those that are curious about their own saboteurs. HERE is the online test she gave me.
After taking the test I left the results open on my screen for about a month…It’s taken me that long to sit and write this…and would every now and then scroll through reading my results. Still dissecting…still processing…and yes, it still makes me feel a bit vulnerable.
